do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
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Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
The human personality is made of five key elements
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*