My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
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If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.