My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
You Might Also Like
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
The cashier just checked me out.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund