Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
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Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money