I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
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I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Hitlers gonna hitl
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.