It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
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If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
did it work
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here