Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
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Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Confused owl: What?!
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.