My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
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America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay