No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
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Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*