I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
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Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
These work great until they don’t.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
I wish this was real life…
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
the three branches of government
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
ACED my prostate exam!
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”