Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
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I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”