Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
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I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Tuesday
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.