Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
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date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Natural selection at its finest
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”