therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
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Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”