Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
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(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.