TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
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BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh