Dress for the job you want to sleep at
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No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows