Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
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“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion