Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
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I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
I beg your pardon?
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.