I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
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Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Once again not all heroes wear capes
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much