My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
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*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.