Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
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Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.