Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
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I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
They’re stuck in your pants?
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
50 shades of grey = my Liver
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Attacked by a mop.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies