“You’d better run, egg!”
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inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?