Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
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Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Time heals everything 🙂
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?