Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
You Might Also Like
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Quadruple digit IQ
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?