Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
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He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.