About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
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How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Based Erika
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Fries, not lies.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Meat Cute
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Friday night party time 🥳
Teamwork makes the dream work.
This will never not be funny to me.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.