her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
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Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.