POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
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The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Good advice.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back