Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
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Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast