My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
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Wait a second…
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.