[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
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Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Who does Amazon think I am?
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.