I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
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A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?