[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
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sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”