ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
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Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
#Caturday
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn