[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
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How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
I’m confused about plants
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?