Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
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*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.