If you know, you know
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If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂