Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
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MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
*launders Kohls cash*
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*