[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
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People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
When they try to steal your moment.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway