It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
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Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes