Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
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I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
scrabbled eggs
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Social distancing in Australia:
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?