*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
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[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Death certificates are our last participation award.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.