Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
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[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.