Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
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Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.