When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
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Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Respect
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
I love the honesty
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
*offers Batman cough drops*
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe