“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
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[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.