As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
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[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Cha-ching is my safe word
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
the battle rages on
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
That time Alicia messaged me
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works