Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
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I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars